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You’re Cameron Diaz and you want your face back, it was taken last year without consent and put up for auction going to highest bidder and sent tracked & signed but disappeared within the US postal system. Turning over and over on conveyor belts it dropped down between sides of gangway, leaking coolant and collecting scuffed, damp on depots edge.

You make a whereabouts plea on social media, wearing a spare face bought from a local dealership, but no one believed it was you. Where has Cameron Diaz gone they say, we haven’t seen her in any movies lately.